Rachel, Rachel, Rachel! What are you doing? You slay the world in 2005 and then fall off the face of the Earth, only to show up to the Critics Choice Awards looking like a Gwen Stefani stalker of the week. Despite popular opinoin, Gwen Stefani is not someone you want to aspire to be. Her music is kitschy, not memorable. You starred in the best romance and the best comedy of the last decade. Her husband is way un-talented, while your fiancee is crazy good at his job. At this point, Gwen will always be considered a fashion statement before an actual artist. You, on the other hand, have a chance to be in the top shelve of actors for your generation. But not if you continue down this path of not making movies and looking fugly.

You’re supposed to be classy; the antithesis of all the no-talent, skazzy Celebritard-wastoids clogging the internets (ahem, Tara Reid, ahem). You’re not supposed to attend social functions looking like Gwen’s slightly dykey third cousin. Your Notebook goodwill only extends so far, and the clock is ticking. So stop it. Seriously.

You were The Next! Get it together and start making some movies again, goddamn it!

Bangarang!

P.S. The Dark Knight is a good start.

CLICK HERE to subscribe to TheJay.com RSS Feed